Welcome to The Weekly Hot Spot: kink conversation, BDSM advice, insight from he worlds of Distance Domination and phone sex. We are your hosts: Mistress Delia and Ms Olivia.
Today’s topic: ROUGH KINK
Ms Delia, There is a huge variety in sexual pleasure as people can see from the list of Femdom phone sex ideas on The Mistress Line.
How did being a Phone Sex Mistress expand your ideas of sex?
Being a phone sex Mistress
Ms Delia: That’s a great question. I will tell you, when I became a phone sex Mistress, the world of sex really opened up.
I quickly learned that BDSM can take on so many different forms. There’s sensual and strict and easy and hardcore and absolutely everything in between. So being me, I researched and I found out that even internet definitions of rough kink leave so much room for interpretation.
Ms Olivia: I love your point about expanding your idea of what is sex because before I became a phone sex Mistress, I thought of my views of sex as expansive, but they were still my views of sex, right?
Ms Delia: Right.
Ms Olivia: So while I had a wide view of sex and sexual activities and what fun and what was sexy, I still hugely benefited from talking to such a wide variety of men, crossdressers, and sissies. There is a boatload of erotic pleasure out there.
So we’re going to be diving into rough kink. And you’re right, the definitions show there’s a lot of variety.
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Ms Delia, let’s talk about rough kink and how it fits into BDSM.
BDSM and rough kink
Ms Olivia: I’ve had callers who call and say, “I want you to dominate me.” I say, “What do you mean by dominate me? Because that might be something different to me.
Sometimes the caller ends up realizing that all he wants is a sexually assertive woman. I don’t think of a sexually assertive woman as a Dominant or a Femdom. I think she’s just frisky.
Ms Delia: I would actually agree with you. Just like we said in the beginning how we had our very own sexual views before we started this, I think that’s got to be very similar for a lot of men.
They are curious about something other than vanilla and want something kinky, but maybe before they speak to us, they actually don’t know the variety. They don’t have that expansive view that we have. So maybe they just, they just think about some things that they’ve seen or read or little fantasies that they’ve had, but really we can guide them and teach them all about rough kink and all the different fantasies and just blow their socks off.
Ms Olivia: Oh, we definitely blow their socks off. I think we blow some other things off too. Yeah. We curl their toes.
Ms Delia: Yes we do. ~laughs~
Ms Olivia: We’re helpful in that way.
Ms Delia: Oh my goodness. Yes.
Ms Olivia: We’re kind of, we’re kind of helpful in a very bossy sort of way. Get down on your knees, mother fucker and suck my toes. Thank you.
Or it can be, Oh please, I want you to do this. Just lick my ass. Kiss my ass. Thank you.
So … the variety from the sexually assertive woman who’s not really a Femdom all the way to what I’ll call like edge play or pain play.
Rough kink is rough but compared to what?
Ms Olivia: So rough kink is like it says is rougher but rougher but … compared to what?
When you think of rough kink, what do you think?
Ms Delia: When I think of rough kink, I actually think a lot about the physical sensations. For me when I’m thinking about things that are more intense in a session, I am always thinking first about the physical.
Thinking about something like CBT, cock and ball torment, or ball slapping, spanking, face slapping, squeezing, scratching, just all of those things that have a very physical component to them. And that’s what I think of mostly when I start thinking about rough sex, rough kink, rough play.
Ms Olivia: That is a really good point. And any fetish play can be made to be intense.
I love GQ, which is a very mainstream magazine for men. They did this article about BDSM terms, P is for pain slut. And I love that.
In any complete list of kink or fetish options, there is always a way to go from mild to intense. It’s important to know how to Communicate with a Mistress.
When you have someone that calls you on the phone, how do you find out how rough he wants it or how rough he can take it so that the two of you are on the same page?
Ms Delia: That’s super important to think about. And I love that you asked that.
I think it’s very important for a caller to talk about what he wants when you plan a kink scene. Communication is what makes kink healthy. So if I don’t get that in an email or in the first couple of minutes of our conversation, I go over the rules for rough sex.
I really believe that every rough fetishy scene should be negotiated and planned.
I like to plan a couple of different ways. The first way is safe, sane and consensual. It’s how I play most of the time.
Safe, sane and consensual SSC kink
Ms Delia: What safe, sane and consensual means is pretty much what it says. Whatever is done to you is consensual and you want it to happen. And that is for both parties. There might be a little coercion, of doing something that you may think is a little taboo and that might be the climax of the scene or something like that. But deep down everything that happens to you has been negotiated and included into the scene and both people agree with it and that is safe, sane and consensual.
Ms Olivia: We are really lucky in that we work for a fabulous phone sex company. Well, are not employees we use their services for all of the backend stuff so we don’t work for it. But we work with a fabulous phone sex company and unlike some other phone sex operations, we don’t have to take every call.
SSC applies to Mistress too
Ms Olivia: So safe, sane and consensual applies to both parties as you said. And if I as a Mistress don’t want to do something that someone calls and says he wants, I’m very polite about it, but I have free will to say, you know, that’s just not interesting to me. I’ll send you back to the Dispatcher and she will help you find a Mistress who can absolutely help you with that.
Do you do that as well?
Ms Delia: I have done the same thing. I tend to dabble in a little bit of everything, but if there’s something that I know I don’t like, I don’t do it. It really is all about consent.
Ms Olivia: I think that’s a misnomer. When people apply traditional BDSM stuff to the distance domination or phone sex world is they think because they’re paying for it or because they’re calling us that they have the final say. And just like in any fetish scene, the negotiation has to be a mutual negotiation. Both parties have to agree to it, consent to it and like it and enjoy it. It’s not one-sided.
Ms Delia: I absolutely love that. And that’s very, very true.
Ms Delia: While consent and mutual consent is super important, there are some people who like to play a little bit of a different way. And this brings in a different kind of consent, which is called RACK. And that’s Risk Aware Consensual Kink.
When we’re talking about rough sex and rough play, I think RACK fits because it’s a little more on the edge. It might not be as mutual, but there still is a consensual agreement that’s part of the entire dynamic. There’s a difference though. Both parties are aware that the activities might be a little riskier, might have a little more physical or emotional danger attached to them than involved in an SSC scene.
With RACK – risk aware, consensual kink – the Mistress is the person who is the most in control and she is the one that makes the majority of the decisions for the scene. The submissive is able to just completely let go, relax, become completely immersed in the scene and just does this because he can trust the Mistress.
Experience counts especially with rough kink
Ms Olivia: Absolutely. And you know what? That’s another reason why you want a Mistress who really knows what she’s doing, not just on the phone, but also in face to face fetish scenes.
You and I both play in the fetish world. We go to fetish conventions, we go to play parties, we’ve got the equipment. So when we are telling someone on the phone or what to do, we have a wealth of actual experience and background in that.
This is especially important with impact play. When I think of rough kink and as you said, the physical sensations, impact play is hugely popular.
How do you do intense spanking on the phone?
Spanking on a phone sex call
Ms Delia: I absolutely love, love, love, love, impact, play in real life and on the phone because I think it translates very well into a phone session.
When I do an intense spanking on the phone, it’s really wonderful when I can have my caller get implements or he has implements and toys that he can use while I direct him.
I like to use a number line, one through 10, and we define this very quickly. It takes about 30 seconds to a minute in our conversation to establish the numbers. Then I can give him an intensity number and I can guide him to go harder, faster, slower.
One of my favorite ways to do an impact play session, and you’re probably the same, is watching the action in a Skype call. So it’s happening live in front of me and it adds to my level of intensity. It’s amazing.
Ms Olivia: Everything that we do, the physical stuff, can be personalized with the scene or role play or a conversation.
Ms Olivia: When we talk about real BDSM versus phone BDSM, people often talk about the phone stuff as if it’s not real power exchange or not real BDSM. There are a lot of myths about BDSM and kink.
Some assume there is a less real experience on the phone. That has not been my experience. Some of the phone sessions that I’ve had, especially when they involve rough kink, have ended up being way more intense than a scene at a play party where there are other people around.
Let’s talk about planning a kink scene in person versus doing a kink roleplay over the phone with or without rough kink or physical sensation play. How is phone play different from what you do with a fetish party?
Play party or Femdom phone sex
Ms Delia: That is a great question and I’m going to say something that might surprise people. I bet people would assume that I just love being at kink parties and it’s just the best. I think it’s actually better to plan a kink scene on the phone. It can be just so much more rich than in person.
I will tell you why. I get a lot of emails with notes and questions and thoughts before our call. So I can take some time to read those, digest them, and then reflect back and respond with my ideas and thoughts for a session. So that email thread then becomes our negotiation, which is so important. I can ask questions and clarify and then when we connect on the phone, I have all that information right there in my head and very quickly I can check in with a caller, lay out the scene easily and very quickly before we begin.
I think it happens pretty naturally with a phone session. I think they’re easier to plan maybe because of the distance too. Because of that distance, I think people can be more immediately open. There’s less risk than saying something face to face.
Maybe there’s more at stake when you’re out in a fetish scene with the Mistress., if things go great and you just want to lay on the couch, you can’t. Or if things go wrong, it’s always uncomfortable.
This distance is why I like distance domination so very much.
Ms Olivia: I think you’re right and it’s also less distracting.
For example, if you’re in a hotel ballroom that is all set up with various play stations.
So you’ve got the St Andrew’s cross, you’ve got this medieval looking, a spinning wheel made of ornately styled iron stuff and people are on it like the wheel of fortune wheel. Um, you know, you’ve got a sex scene, you’ve got someone being whipped here, you’ve got someone being fucked over here.
It’s distracting. Especially when you’re trying to say, “What do you like?”
I absolutely agree with you; on the phone it can be way more intense because your focus is only on the person on the other end of the phone.
And so that Mistress submissive link really begins to vibrate with the energy.
Ms Olivia: This is very different than what people are looking at when they’re looking at Femdom rough kink in porn. Do a search for that and you’ll get mixed wrestling ballbusting, whipping and pegging as punishment. It kind of goes to the extreme and you don’t see the fetish negotiation and you also don’t see the nuances because it’s hard to depict in fetish porn.
Ms Delia: It really is. I mean, let’s face it, porn is all about the visual, just what you can see, the cock, the bodies, the latex, the everything. It’s very easy I think for a producer of porn to show something like spanking or wrestling or kicking or a mean look on someone’s face, it’s very easy to do a visual representation of rough BDSM.
It is very different as you said, and probably very difficult for porn to show those subtleties. The little things that just happen between two people when they make eye contact, all of those negotiated little bits and the things that you just get from a scene, you can completely miss that in porn.
Ms Olivia: You know what would be absolutely amazing to have? I don’t know. Ron Howard, Steven Spielberg, ohhhhh Quentin Tarantino, he has a foot fetish! Quentin Tarantino should absolutely do a BDSM film.
Could you imagine Quentin Tarantino does rough kink? He does have a foot fetish.
Ms Delia: I know that! I think we’ve talked about that you and I.
Ms Olivia: We have. I just absolutely love that he does. I spotted it while looking at his movies and then went searching. And of course Mr Google has answers to everything. I put in Quintin Tarantino plus foot fetish and boom a bunch of articles popped up. I’m like, Oh wow.
Okay. So physical sensations aren’t, the only thing that we talk about when we’re talking about rough kink. There are gradations of intensity on the mental and emotional sides as well. As you pointed out, those are really hard to depict in any kind of visual medium.
Mental side of rough kink
When I think of the mental side of rough kink, I think of predicament play. Do you also consider predicament play rough kink?
Ms Delia: Fuck yes I do.
Predicament play I think is more than the physical; It’s the mental as well and when you them both together it’s just incredible.
It’s the use of bondage activities, positions and activities, which can cause pleasure and or punishment over time as the scene kind of goes on.
I’ll give you an example. I love using predicament bondage positions, also known as stress positions.
Ms Delia: You are a sissy maid and you are holding up a heavy tray for me, your Mistress. Now for the first five minutes, your arm is fine, but Mistress doesn’t want you to lower your arm. Over time though your arm is going to burn and you’ll want to put it down, but you’re not allowed to.
Ms Olivia: And sissy wants to please Mistress.
Ms Delia: She does, she does. As the predicament plays out and sissy is struggling against her own mind because she’s doing her best to please Mistress but knowing deep down that arm is going to fail. I think that play between the physical and the mental just completely builds this intensity and frustration. It’s really a mind fuck kind of dynamic.
Ms Olivia: It brings the submissive deeper into subspace because pain increases the experience of subspace.
Predicament play increases the swirl of thoughts. In a submissive mind. So combining the subspace and the swirl of thoughts, you just get like a cyclone or this hurricane of thoughts and feelings, sensations and emotions, which is fabulous in rough kink.
I think that swirl of a variety of emotions is part and parcel of anything involving rough kink.
Ms Olivia: I love predicament play with, for example, ball stretching. So your legs are apart. This can be any part of CBT. But this particular example is ball stretching and using ball weights.
So he’s standing, feet far apart. He’s got a ball stretcher on and then some weights on. The weights are not particularly heavy.
I did this with one submissive and he’s definitely a pain slut. And he goes, “Oh, I can take a whole lot more than this. You’re just not even giving me any kind of a test.” And I thought, “Oh mother fucker, you do not want to use that phrase with the Mistress. Like, really? Are you going to challenge my skills?”
I was watching him on Skype. I said, “I’m going to add just a little bit more weight.”
He’s only slightly bending his knees and he goes, “Yeah, yeah.”
I said, “Okay, just thrust your hips forward, just a little bit.” He did that and the weights started swinging between his legs and the next thing you know, those weights are swinging forward and forward and backwards.
At first he was talking and then he started getting very silent.
Then I saw his expression change. And I’m like, “How are you feeling now Sparky? It’s a little intense. Still think I don’t know what I’m doing?” He goes, “No Mistress, no Mistress, no Mistress.” ~laughs~ Never test a Mistress.
Ms Delia: Oh, exactly.
Emotionally rough kink
Ms Delia: It really is the intensity of emotions.
I really think emotionally rough kink can be just as or more intense. I mean, think about things like humiliation or cuckolding and think about those emotional headspaces. Those activities are so intense. So for me, I love how you said that and it really kind of travels into things like humiliation and cuckolding, because emotional rough kink can be just as intense as physical rough kink. And I actually think the emotional bits from a scene last longer than the physical bits.
Ms Olivia: Absolutely. You know from a spanking and stuff, you will, the submissive will be able to turn around look at the ass and go, “Ooh, I’ve got these red marks or I’ve got these bruises.” Look what I was able to take for my Mistress, my Domme.
The emotional stuff is just as intense and it can and lasting. And I think it can also dip into kind of a catharsis and it becomes as stress reducing as the physical part of rough kink.
It can be as stress reducing as an intense physical workout. Like you’re on the StairMaster and you’re at level 10 for an hour and your legs are rubbery as you get off.
That’s kind of the emotional feeling in a very intense cuckolding scene.
Ms Delia: Yes! The emotional StairMaster. Fuck, I love that.
Ms Olivia: What a fabulous way to say that. I put you on an emotional StairMaster?
OH! Do you want the diamond slope of rough kink or do you want the beginner run? ~laughs~
Ms Delia: I think we’re onto something here.
What is Aftercare and why do you need it after rough play?
Ms Olivia: You bring up like a great point; this does last way past this session, which I think is very important to end with something that should be negotiated at the very beginning of the session — aftercare.
The GQ article started with a is for aftercare and I love that. How do you handle aftercare on the phone and do people on the phone understand just how important that is?
Ms Delia: People who have done calls with me absolutely do understand how important aftercare is because aftercare is actually mandatory for me after engaging in rough physical or rough emotional kink play.
I strongly feel that sub drop is inevitable. Seriously. The submissive will likely go through intense emotions that he might need to process. There will be things that he might lead to need to work through.
It can be psychologically damaging to play hard, really hard physically or emotionally with Mistress and then for Mistress to say, “Okay, thanks, bye, that was fun.” and expect the submissive to be okay, that’s not realistic at all.
Aftercare is so important after each and every session. I actually think it should be just as much of a part of your BDSM play as negotiation or even the actual scene itself. It’s that important.
Ms Olivia: I agree with you. The Mistress might be the one saying “okay, bye” without any aftercare but it can also be the submissive who thinks that just because the scene is over or he had an orgasm or a cutoff call which has an obvious end point.
It is the Mistress’ job, I’m really good at this and you’re really good at this, to figure out and keep track of the timing in order to make sure that there is some aftercare. We’re not talking about 20 minutes of snuggling now. That’s awesome. That’s great. But the aftercare can be short. It depends on the amount of conversation or the processing.
Aftercare is a way to get the submissive kind of back in touch with reality and it also helps the Dominant as well cause there’s such a thing as Domme drop.
Ms Delia: Oh yes, there is one thing that I find that can help with both sub drop and Domme drop and that is checking in like the after a couple of hours after or within 24 hours after a scene.
I think that checking in like an email, a little message, Hey, I’m doing great. I used my sub drop kit, which is something I love to have every submissive create or, or set out for himself, something with, you know, maybe a bottle of water, a little snack, a warm blanket, a pillow, some time for the submissive to just sit and watch a movie or something and that kind of settles the mind. Then, checking in with Mistress the next day or several hours later I think can help to combat the really negative feelings of sub drop.
Ms Olivia: That’s beautifully said and we have a request for our listeners, if you do this, Ms Delia and I will send you a warm blanket in a water bottle water. ~laughs~
So here’s the request. Lots of people are listening to this via Apple podcasts. We want you to go to Apple podcast, subscribe to The Weekly Hot Spot podcast, like it and then leave a review on iTunes.
We’ve noticed that a bunch of you have started leaving reviews and we really appreciate it. Thank you very much.
You can also listen to our fetish and kink podcast on Spreker.
Connect with Mistress
Ms Delia: And remember, after this podcast you can connect with us on Twitter.
Look at our blogs and leave comments!
Delia: Beg for Mistress
Olivia: Experienced Mistress
Ms Olivia: You’ll be able to see all the ways that you can connect with us on our blogs. We’ve got email there, we’ve got our Skype there.
Or you can always just give us a call. (800) 601-7259 you can ask for Ms Delia. You can ask for Ms Olivia or if you really want to experience some very rough kink ask for us both and we will work you over mother fucker. ~laughs~
Ms Delia: For now, thank you so much for joining us for The Weekly Hot Spot. We’ll see you next time.