For many kinky people holidays are even more stressful than usual. If you need to hide your fetish then you know why you might be a little (or a lot) on edge.
Just when you could really use the relaxation of great sex, you might find what you really want off limits. Maybe your partner doesn’t like or know you kink or naughty fantasies. Maybe you don’t want to tell your partner.
Whatever the case, Mistress Delia and Mistress Olivia have some ideas about keeping your kinks on the down low or learning to talk to your partner about your sexual fantasies.
Ms Olivia: Welcome to The Weekly Hot Spot: kink conversation, BDSM advice, insight from the worlds of Distance Domination and phone sex. We are your hosts, Mistress Delia and I’m Ms Olivia.
Today’s topic: how to hide your fetish or talk about your kink with your partner.
Ms Delia, it’s the holiday and one thing we hear from people all the time is this, “The holidays are so stressful because I have to hide my fetish.”
So let’s talk about how to hide your fetish and we’ll start off with, have you (personally) ever had to hide your fetish or kink?
Does Ms Delia hide her Femdom kinky side?
Ms Delia: I have had to hide my fetish from time to time. I think anyone who is kinky has had to hide their fetish for sure. In vanilla work, I might think about things that are kinky or naughty, but I could never bring my fetish out in public. My goodness. No.
Even just with family and some friends, I have not shared that I am a Distance Dominatrix with all of the people in my life. So I would say I have had to hide my fetish.
Ms Olivia on personal boundaries
Ms Olivia: I think that’s completely appropriate. So for example, the people that I go to yoga with, I don’t talk to them about my personal life. “Hi, I like to give blowjobs. Do you swallow? Oh, and what do you think of sun salutation?” (laughter) You know what I mean? It’s kind of like, ah, no, that’s weird.
I think there’s having to hide your fetish versus appropriate boundaries and you and I are all about appropriate boundaries.
But I think sometimes when you hide it, at least for me, when I have to hide something and I feel like I should be able to talk about it, that’s when it gets really uncomfortable or damaging, personally damaging. Does that make sense?
Ms Delia: Oh, it really, really does. It’s difficult.
Ms Delia: We both do Distance Domination and phone sex as part of our job for work. I find, especially at holiday time, or when there are big family gatherings, someone will ask me, “What do you do for work?”
Ms Olivia: ~laughter~ What do you say? We talk about cum eating! Can you pass gravy?
Ms Delia: Mmmmmm yum yum! Oh my goodness. ~laughter~
Well it’s hard sometimes because there are some people in my family at these gatherings who know exactly what I do and they kind of sit back and smile and then I say what I’m going to say, what I already have prepared generally. And there you go. It’s just what you do. I think what you said about appropriate sexual boundaries is a good thing.
Now what about you? Have you ever had to hide your fetish in a specific place?
Ms Olivia: I think for sure. Um, with work, I am all about appropriate boundaries. So I have family that know what I do and are like, “Oh yeah, whatever.” And I have family that don’t know what I do and they are of an age that it’s not appropriate that I tell them what I do and I would never do that.
I also have friends that know what I do and friends that don’t know what I do. So it really depends on the relationship, the style of relationship, et cetera.
I’m pretty lucky in my personal life in that I no longer have to hide my fetish and hide my kinks. I have kind of negotiated that part of my own personal erotic pleasure and sexuality.
Olivia’s kink conversation gone wrong
I had one that I hadn’t told anybody. He said, “It’s completely safe. Tell me.” So I looked at him and I said, “Well, ya know I’m really curious about anal. I like to try anal.” He looked at me and he goes, “Ewwww, that’s so gross.”
Ms Delia: Ohhhhh no!
Ms Olivia: Yep! That shut me down for years. I mean, I was mortified. I felt dirty. I was embarrassed and not the good kind of erotic, humiliation, fun, embarrassment. It was awful.
I think at that moment every time someone calls me and says,”I’m going to be with the family on a holiday and I know I’m going to have to think about the things that give me erotic pleasure on the down low.” And I think that’s really sad.
Ms Delia: I agree. And I speak to a lot of men who really have questions about this.I would say they use us as a sounding board about their kinks. And even a BDSM educator.
Ms Olivia: Oh now that’s a good point. Say a little bit more about that. What do you mean as a sounding board?
You don’t have to hide your fetish from your Mistress
Ms Delia: Well, I think that when someone calls us just because of the nature of what we do, Distance Domination and phone, sex, just because of that, they know that right away they have a safe place to be able to talk about their fetishes that they would normally have to hide.
Ms Olivia: That’s absolutely true. Have you ever said to someone, “Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to hide your fetish with us. What do you want to talk about? Cock sucking?” And you hear this gasp on the phone and he says, “I’ve never said that out loud before.”
Ms Delia: Right!
Ms Olivia: And we say, “That’s okay! Let’s talk about you sucking cock. It’s a popular fetish!”
Ms Delia: Absolutely, and it’s for me not just cock sucking. Maybe the most popular one that I hear about is “Mistress, I want to go by pretty lingerie.” And oh my goodness. Wow. That is a great fetish. You don’t have to hide your fetish when you talk to us. We can help you to figure out all of those wonderfully kinky things and how to bring them into your life.
Ms Olivia: And how to enjoy them in a very safe way.
So you and I both talk to people, I’m going to use the cross dressing or trans girl or sissy play as the perfect example. There are some people that we talk to that say “No because of work, because family, I don’t ever want this erotic side of me to blend into my other life. I want to keep them totally separate.”
And I am a fan of that. Each individual has to negotiate whether or not to blend all parts of their world or their life and whether or not to keep them separate. So for those that do need to keep them separate, let’s give some tips and advice on how to hide your fetish or have a conversation about your kink.
HOW to hide your fetish
Ms Delia: That is a great idea. I think the first thing that I would start with, if you have to hide your fetish, you have got to make sure when you are searching, watching porn about your fetish on the internet, whenever you are enjoying your fetish alone on your own time, there’s something about privacy that is so important. So anytime you search for something, it stays there.
Be aware of what you’re looking at. Be aware of where your toys are. Have a wonderful safe spot, locked, to put your things away when you’re not using them.
And I think it’s all about kink privacy, especially when you have to hide your fetish. You need to make sure that things are out of the way. They’re personal, they’re locked away, they are safe and secure so that you can be as well.
Ms Olivia: What if the things that we hear from crossdressers and sissies, anyone who is into feminization, is purging. So they’ll spend all of this money on hair, makeup, clothes, panties, stocking shoes, sex toys, and then purge and throw it all away.
I have a no fail way to stop people from purging and that is go and get a storage locker in your name. Don’t put it on your credit card, don’t give them your home address, and pay cash for it. Buy it for six months. Hide all of your toys in the storage locker. Easy peasy. And then when you’re not in a cycle where you’re enjoying your kink or your fetish, lock them away, go away. But then when your kink urges come back, you still have your toys.
Ms Delia: I think that is such wonderful advice and I have given that same advice, almost word for word to anybody who has a history of purging because it can just be so expensive.
And even thinking more about when you have to hide your fetish, everybody has a computer, everybody has a phone, everybody now has a browser history. So you’ve got to make sure that daily, if it’s a shared computer in your family, you delete your stuff, that you actually actively research online: How to make sure you can surf the web incognito.
Ms Olivia: I’m actually going to say go get a burner phone, and don’t explore your kink or your fetish on a shared computer.
I had someone who, his entire fantasy life was blown because his girlfriend was using his computer. He accidentally left Skype open and he uses Skype for Mistress play. So there was a Mistress comment that popped up and his girlfriend opened up his Skype.
She went through and she looked at every single message and came to him hurt, mad, upset, worried, and said, “This is not normal. What are you doing? Why can’t you be satisfied with normal sex?” It wrecked them as a couple and it wrecked him.
Ms Delia: I bet. I bet it did.
If your privacy is ever blown, if something happens and someone finds you out, it’s probably best to sit down and have an open and honest conversation with your partner at that time even though it’s difficult and you are so used to hiding your fetish. Once the cat is out of the bag, it’s best just to talk about it.
Word of caution about using gmail for kink play
Ms Olivia: And we’re going to do towards the end of the podcast, we’re going to do some specific tips about how to do that. But you mentioned the deleted browser histories and how to surf in the incognito mode.
I want to mention do not have your kink email as your Gmail. If you get your kink email that you use to send us emails or surf various sites, et cetera, Yahoo will need a phone number. Go get a burner phone and keep the two sides very separate.
Private and encrypted email for fetish fun
Ms Olivia: If you need an email that is totally private and encrypted, you can get proton mail. You can use it for a small amount for free or you can get Hushmail and Hushmail is, about $50 a year. But both of those are totally private, totally encrypted.
Here’s the problem of using Gmail. Gmail will blend your Gmail accounts. So you want to keep the two separate. It doesn’t blend it all the time, but you don’t want someone, you know, looking up your Gmail address and then finding your kink address.
Ms Delia: Right. Oh, that is so true. And I think there is, if you’re saying, no, I don’t need a burner phone, take a look at your phone. The next time you have Google searched, maybe you have a stocking fetish and you’ve Google searched back seamed sexy stockings.
Look at your phone, look on your tablet and if your Google accounts are indeed blended, you will probably see an ad on Facebook. You will see an ad on some webpage that is exactly what you were looking for. This happens to me and it just, it makes me go, Hmm, that is really intriguing.
Ms Olivia: That’s a great point. I hadn’t thought of that. And listen, a burner phone, is only about 25 bucks. Like it’s free practically.
Ms Delia: Oh absolutely. And when you are at a point in your life, and a lot of people are at this point for a very long time in their life, where you have to hide your fetish I think it makes sense to spend $25 a month, $50 a year for a phone, for an email that makes sure that your fetish is safe, that you are safe and you are not going to be outed.
Should you join an online fetish group?
Ms Olivia: Right. Now there are some secret Facebook groups, but honestly I’m not a fan of any of those secret Facebook groups. Keep your fetish off of Facebook. That’s my thought about Facebook. What do you think about Facebook and some of the secret groups?
Ms Delia: I have joined a secret Facebook group once or twice and I’ve always left because honestly to me it doesn’t seem private and I value my privacy.
For someone who says, I have to hide my fetish, I think you should stay away from things that are basically public because you don’t interact with all these people and you don’t know who they are.
They might be the neighbor across the street, they could be your boss. Who really needs that? So I say, stay off of public social media forums like Facebook, because you just never know who is following you, who is looking at you.
Ms Olivia: And again, if you don’t want to be outed you have to be careful.
One of the options that we should tell people about is Enchantrix Empire. So go to Enchantrix Empire and get an account. You can go in, read and post; Mistresses post in there. You can interact with people. It’s our private kinky adult social networking site.
It’s not as big as some of the other sites, but people have made great connections and established fabulous friendships there
Ms Delia:. Absolutely, and I like to think of it as just a kinky way to come in, say hi in the morning to the kinky people. Post a kinky picture or a meme that you’ve seen online that really made you laugh that you can’t share on your personal social media and Enchantrix Empire is a super appropriate way to hide your fetish and keep your secret fetishes a secret.
Before you say anything about your fetish
Ms Olivia: So let’s say you’ve been outed. Should you talk with your partner about your kink and if so, how do you go about it? If you’re already outed, well then, the cat’s out of the bag so to speak.
If you have the option of whether or not to say anything, there are some things to think about before you just charge out and have this conversation. What things do you suggest that people think about?
Ms Delia: Well, honestly I think the first thing that you have to think about is your relationship with your partner, before adding kink.
If you have shared a lot of interesting things and your intimacy level is really strong and you’re very close and you can kind of have some interesting conversations, you know, spirited, spicy conversations, I think if you have that type of intimacy with your partner, then it might be a good idea to allow yourself to open up, feel vulnerable and take that risk about discussing your kinks.
Ms Olivia: Well, I think if you have a passive aggressive, things unsaid, angry relationship with your partner, maybe you’re not fighting all the time, but it’s just kind of a meh thing going on don’t talk about this.
One of the things to really think about before you make yourself this vulnerable to your partner is what could happen down the road?
So if you are in a tricky relationship or have any kind of problem within the relationship err on the safe side because you do not want your kinks, fetishes, or intimate conversations to be used against you should the relationship dissolve. You and you and I both have seen that happen.
This is one of the reasons why it is so great that people have the opportunity to talk to us. You can practice communication — we did a whole podcast about How to Talk to a Mistress. That’s a good place to start because it’s safe.
We aren’t going to out them, we aren’t going to use it against them. I always say if Anthony Wiener had sent us dick pics, he would not have been in trouble. Don’t talk to civilian women unless you are prepared for the conversation to backfire.
Ms Delia: Oh exactly. That is such a good point.
Ms Delia’s kink conversation epic fail
Ms Delia: Something else to consider is, and I have actually had this experience. I was dating someone he seemed like he was a great guy, fun, adventurous, even a little bit naughty and I shared some kinks with him about spanking and bondage. I was just in my mid twenties when I did this and it was really sexy.
We did have a good conversation but I didn’t know him like so well or know what he would do with these things. But he went and told his parents and it was so awkward. Oh my goodness.
Ms Olivia: WHAT? Who says that? “My girlfriend, she wants to tie me up. It spank my balls.” What?
Ms Delia: He did! And it was really awkward because it did come out at a family dinner and looking at it, hindsight being 2020 I should have thought, is this someone that I really want to have a future with? And if I had answered that question honestly, I would have said, no, this is someone fun, but I don’t really want to have this conversation with that person.
WHY to have a conversation about erotic desires
Ms Olivia: That’s a great point. Is this someone you want to have a future with? If you are a crossdresser and into feminization and it is a big, big, big part of who you are and your psyche and your gender identity.
My experience is that those things don’t just magically disappear because you’ve gotten engaged to a vanilla woman. I suggest having the conversation before you get engaged or get married.
Have an honest conversation about wearing panties because otherwise recognize that you’ll have to hide your fetish the entire duration of your relationship.
Some fetishes are fine to hide, like if you want spanking occasionally or you want CBT occasionally. That, in my experience, is a little bit different than someone who needs to express their feminine side. Have you noticed that as well?
Fetish, kink or Lifestyle Femdom
Ms Delia: Yes, absolutely. There are lots of differences with the types of fetish when you’re thinking about, should I hide my fetish? You know, if you can say yes to that, it may be because it’s something that happens just every now and again. And it’s not a huge, not overwhelming, not overtaking, but just I think a huge part of who you are, like another side of you.
For me, I wouldn’t consider being a Femdom, just a fetish. It’s part of who I am. It’s more, it’s me. So I think what you’re saying is very smart if the kinkiness about you is really a part of who you are and not just an activity you do every now and again.
For example, getting a spanking, putting on a chastity cage for a little bit, maybe you dabble in a couple of different kinks, maybe there’s some cum eating that’s fun, but you don’t have to have it all the time, then maybe it’s appropriate to hide your fetish if you’re not comfortable talking about it with your partner.
Ms Olivia: That brings up a really good point. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with someone where I was passing myself off as little Miss vanilla and hey I like vanilla sex. I’m a fan of vanilla sex. I think vanilla sex is awesome.
Ms Delia: Me too.
Ms Olivia: If I had to into a relationship or monogamy, I’m polyamorous, so if I had to go into a relationship and be okay, I’m in this relationship with you and I will never fuck anybody else until the day I die. I would be like, Oh my God, I would end up being the cheating wife. Totally.
I don’t do that. I love cheating wife scenes, but I am way more honest and blunt. I want to be seen and known for who I am.
Ms Delia: I think that’s absolutely beautifully said and there’s no reason for a lot of people to hide their fetish for a long time. If they have that person that they can talk about and, and if it’s something that they do just before, like you’re saying, a commitment because going into a marriage, having an engagement, sharing a life with someone that you can’t be open and honest with has got to be so, so difficult.
Compatible kink partner
Ms Delia: I am very lucky that my husband Jack is also kinky as fuck. We explore a lot of kinks and fetishes together. But I’ll tell you, he’s even got some fetishes that he’s been … well kinks not fetishes because fetishes you have to have all the time. Kinks are sporadic.
He’s got some kinky fantasies that he has that he’s only shared with me a couple of times. So there are those really naughty almost for him, taboo secrets that he will hide his fetish sometimes.
And if you want to know, I’ll even tell you cause it’s fucking hot.
Ms Olivia: Yes! I want to know. I hope it’s not a fan of the podcast. ~laughs~
Ms Delia: He’ll be so embarrassed, but you know, that’s okay. I think it’s really important that people know that even though I’m kinky and do Distance Domination, phone sex, and basically can talk about sex and kink and fetishes for about eight hours a day, even in my personal relationship, it’s still a work in progress.
But here is his naughty fetish he wrote to me, he didn’t even tell me this, he emailed me. If you have difficulty talking to your partner, try an email exchange. Set that up in your relationship so it’s not strange.
I haven’t seen this advice in mainstream media about how to talk about your fetish. Share fantasies via email because it gives the partner a chance to look at, read, digest, and think. Whenever you’re writing something, you can think about what you want to write. You can read over it, you can go back to it and change it.
Ms Olivia: And you don’t have to look your partner in the eye.
Ms Delia: Exactly, exactly.
Ms Olivia: It’s not as scary.
Ms Delia: It feels safer. So anyway, Jack emailed me this amazing fantasy and it was, he wanted to be blindfolded, tied up on a table. He wanted to have an unknown number of men jerking off in the room, and I would be directing them all, kind of humiliating him, calling him a slut while I was doing this. Then having them all cum, he would come fucking last.
This fantasy was just so interesting to me because he is what I would call heteroflexible. He sucked a cock for me once. We watch gay porn together from time to time, but I would never, never, never think of him being even bisexual. There’s just a little fun, naughty flexibility. So I was really intrigued by his kinky fantasy, but I knew why he had to think of it as a secret fetish for a little while, even with me.
Ms Olivia: Yup. This is a hard, hard, hard, no pun intended conversation to have with your partner. You and I, because we do this for a living, we can probably have these conversations and ask the right questions and that kind of thing in our own personal lives. We also both had the kink conversation at the start of the relationship when it’s maybe a little less risky.
We do recognize that all this is easier said than done for other people, which is why we tell them to get advice from your Mistress.
Talk with your Mistress first!
Ms Olivia: I have actually done coaching saying: “Here’s what I suggest you ask your girlfriend, here’s how you talk to your wife.: And every single person that is actually done what I suggest has met with a level of success. She may not do it, but it hasn’t completely blown up the relationship. Every single person that ignores my Experienced Mistress advice gets a lousy fucking outcome. So we’re here, get advice from us. We’re the experts, right Ms Delia?
Ms Delia: Oh yes we are. We are sex experts for sure.
When we’re speaking with a client, I know when I can speak for us both, we want you to succeed. We want you to be able to safely enjoy your kink, however you want to enjoy it. And so when we give you advice, we really truly think about what we are suggesting that you do because it works and we really do want to spread good kink vibes.
You shouldn’t have to hide your fetish all the time. You should be able to talk to your partner about kink as often as you want. But we realize these things don’t happen all the time easily. So let us advise you
Ms Olivia: And let us help you negotiate whether or not to talk to your partner because I for one don’t think it’s a given. I don’t think it’s a given. I think it’s probably better a lot of times to have this fetish with your Mistress separate from the rest of your life.
Feel free to reach out to either of us. We both answer our email.
Delia’s blog: Beg for Mistress
Olivia’s blog: Experienced Mistress
There are all kinds of ways to reach out. We are here for you.
Ms Delia: Yes, yes, we are. That’s so true.
Thank you everybody for joining us this week on The Weekly Hot Spot.