Where is the perfect Dominant Woman for you?
This episode of our adult podcast answers listener about where to find a Dominant Woman who is a Lifestyle Femdom.
It is possible to be submissive when you don’t have a Mistress, says Ms Delia but the issues get tricky when you want to get into the fetish scene and don’t know how. Mistress Olivia answers the often unspoken question, “With fetish girls available for free why go to a ProDomme?”
Both ladies are Femdoms in their personal and professional lives.
Listen and find previous episodes on Cock Radio on Spreaker or here on the blog. You can also read the edited transcript here. Enjoy! Reach out with questions and comments. Our contact info is at the bottom of the transcript.
We’re your hosts. I’m mistress Olivia and I’m here with ms Delia.
Ms Olivia: Ms Delia, it’s so great to do this again with you.
Ms Delia: Oh just likewise. I always have fun talking about things with you so we can bring it to our audience and I love it when our audience interacts with us.
Ms Olivia: This is a fabulous question that you and I got in an email recently. We do a lot of two Mistress calls and people know that we love teaming up with with one another. It’s because here you’re my bestie. I love you in a kinky and non kinky way.
Ms Delia: Same here!
Ms Olivia: We’ve also shared recipe tips, but I will say the most fun tips are, Oh my God, did you try this lube? No, I didn’t. What’s the name of that lube again?
Ms Delia: That’s why it’s very fun.
Ms Olivia: Okay, so we got this question from a listener. We had been talking and designing a scene and kind of flirting back and forth. Then he sends this serious question: “I’m divorced, single and I would love to find a Dominant Woman. It’s a hard thing to pull off. Most women that I have found are not into that, so I’m at a loss as to what to do. Any advice?”
Now this guy is just a submissive guy; he’s kinky, he’s into some non traditional stuff, but he’s not out there. He’s just very definitely into more than vanilla. We got a similar comment from Yvonne who is this wonderful and fabulous crossdresser. She’s amazing and has been single for years. She says, “Ladies like you are few and far between in my experience.”
So here are a couple of questions, Delia, do you think we are few and far between and where did they find us?
Ms Delia: Oh, isn’t that just a good question! I do think women like us might be few and far between, but I also think it’s a little more complicated than that.
Where do you look for a Dominant Woman
I tend to like fetish events and things of that nature for getting out there. And unfortunately I think if you are looking for some kind of kink, at some point you’re going to have to interact with people. Not a lot of people who are kinky, you know, just love to go out and interact with people. So I think that it’s not easy. It’s not such a simple question as, where do I go?
You know, it’s not like you go to the local box store or something to find a Dominant Woman, you just can’t. I wish you could, but you can’t.
I think it’s a little bit, it’s a little bit more than that. You have to be willing to look and wade through different ads and forums and online kinds of things. You’ve really got to have something that I don’t have a lot of — patience. You have to have patience and that desire to not quit and to go after what you’re going after.
Directions to find a Dominant Woman
This is for other people as well. This is a conversation going on with lots of people. There’s a great guy I met on Twitter, @DirkHooper and I recommend everybody should follow him.
He’s fabulous. He posts and reposts wonderful things. Recently he posted this question from someone who said: Where do I find a Domme who is not a Pro Domme?
I answered Dirk and then got to talking with this submissive who basically says the same thing: “Most women that I’ve found are not into that. And where do I find them?” So I think you bring up a very good point. We are not at the box store, although we might be IN the box store, but we are not wearing thigh high latex fetish boots.
Ms Delia: Truth, truth. Yeah. We go out in the world and other Dominant Women go out in the world as well. And you know, we don’t wear our fetish wear out. Sadly. It’s, it’s not easy. We don’t have a badge. There is no light above our head. So yeah, it can be hard to spot us.
Looking for kink in all the wrong places
Ms Olivia: In the twitter thread the submissive asked, “So where do meet people? Like should I maybe just go to Starbucks and sit there and maybe approach someone who seems dominant?”
And I was like, no, don’t do that. That’ll get you thrown out of Starbucks.
Don’t search for a fetish kinky person in a vanilla environment. Right? It’s sort of like if you want to buy an SUV, chances are you don’t go to a motorcycle dealership. You go to an SUV dealership, right? Don’t go to a motorcycle dealership or the department store and say, ah God, I’m just striking out all over the place. I’m not able to buy an SUV at this department store. Well, no shit. They don’t sell a SUV. You might happen along to somebody who happens to be selling an SUV, but it’s going to be the atypical event.
Ms Delia: You know, and I have moved a few times in the last, what about 10 years? I think three times I have moved and I actually have experienced this very question, where do I meet people when I’ve moved? And I’ll tell you a little bit about what I have done.
I mean I don’t go out and just look for people and you’re right and Starbucks, you’re not going to find someone in general unless you know they’re having like a munch at Starbucks and munches our get togethers of kinky people.
If you type into a search engine “munches” and then you put your area, I think most people will come up with a little bit of a list of munches and maybe a schedule of (kinky) things that are around them.
Ms Olivia: I’ll second that and also say, do a search for BDSM group plus your city. And that’ll give you a list. They will say, we have these classes, we have these events. A munch is generally once a month and it is a non fetish event. Delia, explain more about munches.
What to do and not do at a BDsm munch
Ms Delia: The munches that I have gone to have all been inside of some kind of restaurant, usually that has a little, small room in the back. The munch meets in that back room. You just go in plain old vanilla clothes. You go, you have to introduce yourself, talk to people a little bit and get to know a little bit about them. There is such a thing as D/s etiquette and you’re not there to say, “Hey, I’m here to fuck.”
Ms Olivia: Yeah, you can get thrown out. You’ll be either escorted out or you will definitely not be invited to the play party.
The munch is for you to take a look at them, but it’s also in my experience, for them to take a look at you.
Now, let me be very clear. They are not looking at whether or not you are hot or cute or tall or short or old or young. None of that physical appearance matters, in my experience, so don’t get freaked out about that. What they care about is how are you conducting yourself, right? Did you wear something inappropriate? Are you going to be a dangerous person to play with? Are you acting skeevy to the wait staff? Are you presenting yourself like a smarmy kind of person? Do that and you won’t be invited for the play party that much will be it.
Beginners guide to going to a BDsm munch
Ms Delia: Very, very well said because basic manners and basic politeness really, really do matter. I can tell you I’ve been to one munch, it was at a lovely restaurant, kind of a sports bar kind of thing. This was down in Florida. A couple of people went out and started fooling around in the parking lot. The munch itself was never invited back to that restaurant. They were banned.
I had to find another place to meet up with people. Know that when you are at munch, your behavior can have consequences for the entire group. You’re there to meet people, not to play, not to get dirty.
Ms Olivia: As someone who is experiences, you don’t want to be in a group that has people that are being so stupid. This isn’t BDSM play. This is like exhibitionist stupid sex in a vanilla parking lot. You run the risk of being arrested, right? Would you ever want to go back and play with that group?
Ms Delia: I wouldn’t. No. I really like munches that have online, very established rules. So this is something that as a submissive going into a munch, our listeners could really kind of grab onto. Look at what they have up front, not just a time and a place, but generally instead of rules, behavior expectations, guidelines, if it’s more helpful to you to kind of get you there, it’ll probably be more welcoming and, and helpful and wonderful in that munch.
Finding a safe group of kinky people
Ms Olivia: You also want a group that has limits and boundaries. So one of the followup questions was how do you know it’s a safe group of people? And this is one of the ways for you as a prospective member, submissive or Dominant, to see (online) how they conduct themselves and what limits boundaries, expectations. They are willing to tell you beforehand.
They may or may not post all of this on their website. In my experience going to different munches, some groups don’t post all of that upfront. But, they will tell you these are the expectations; these are the do’s and don’ts in the email that gives you the location at the munch.
Each group is different. Some will say we meet at X place the third Thursday evening of the month, just meet us there. And then you’re kind of expected, you know, show up and be responsible and reasonable. Other places are even more discreet. So it depends on your area and how big the city is.
Ms Delia: Oh, I think that’s very true. In a large city, a bigger place, you will find probably a few different groups. Some groups go by age. So you’ve got some of the older people and then there’s the younger crowd or the very new people. And that can be very important for people to look at when they’re deciding which munch to go to. Look at the code of conduct, look at the description really well, look at who they’re asking for to come. Because if you are older, more mature, well established as a submissive, you might not want to be in a beginner group.
Differences in BDsm groups
Ms Olivia: When you talk about age and newness, one thing to remember, some groups do in fact separate by physical age. At one convention I went to, they had a group called TNG the next generation. So it’s a star Trek reference, the next generation. And that can be anywhere from 30 and under to 35 and under. And if you are older than 35, do not show up there. That is so incredibly rude and will get you a fairy smarmy reputation in the kink community.
For new people, they do do that for classes. You know, there’ll be a class at an established group that’ll say something like, are you new to bondage? This class is for you.
It’s just like going to a business convention: how to do your taxes for small businesses. Meet in room 101 in the atrium. Things like that. And it’s absolutely hysterical.
Ms Delia: I have seen something like that a couple of times in the new kind of groups that I’ve seen. It’s more so been an informal kind of questions and answers like a Q and A type session for coffee somewhere. Just very much like what you’re saying. People come when they’re new.
Generally the people who host that also have a different kind of group or munch and when they meet with people that’s kind of the way that they get to know them, which is a little different than I would say vetting someone at a munch or a play party. Being vetted is something that also might very well happen at a munch or a group meeting.
Vetting at a munch and etiquette for BDsm newbies
Ms Olivia: I’ve seen people that went to a munch and behaved badly in some way. They were not invited to the play party. Can you give an example of that so people can really get what we’re saying?
Ms Delia: So I was at this one munch before a play party that was going to be that weekend. We were talking about things and we were having just, you know, kind of a very relaxed, open, just gentle kind of night. It was very easy going.
There was this one person, um, a gentleman who came along.
We all had name tags. If you had a name tag that was in red, you were dominant. If your name tag was in black, you were submissive and there were a couple of other colors to indicate, you know, switching and different things. Okay. So it was all named tag based and this person was approaching every single person who had a red name tag on, I was one of them and it was males or females.
He basically had written up a resume about himself and was handing that out to the Doms, male or female. It was just this really explicit, almost kind of creepy resume. And it was given to one of the munch leaders and he wasn’t asked to go anywhere. I never really saw him after that.
Kinky relationships with real actual humans
Ms Olivia: I understand that level of desperation. Believe me, I understand that. And don’t do it.
This is exactly like meeting someone online, say match.com or OK Cupid. You meet them for coffee and when you sit down for coffee with this person, it’s not even a date. It’s just coffee. And you either hand them the resume or you look at them and you say, so I definitely want to have children. I want to be married within the next year and I will expect for us to uh, handle our end of life directives pretty quickly.By the way, do you want cream in your coffee? The other person is going to be looking at you and saying, what the fuck man, I just want a coffee.
Ms Delia: Oh, I completely agree. I completely agree. Here’s another thing that you can do to kind of test the waters. A lot of munches, a lot of places in the community are on FetLife.
Ms Delia: Fetlife is a nice kinky kind of Facebook kind of place, but for fetishes and kinks. If you are on there you can look up your general area and find all the munches that are in your area.
Whether in person or online, everything that you say and do really does matter how you come across even how intense like say your online profile would be. You don’t want to make that too detailed.
Ms Olivia: I was talking with someone who is going to a brand new group who wanted advice and I said, think of it like a business elevator speech. It’s 20 seconds long and you give just enough so if there is interest then they will begin to ask questions.
How to describe yourself as a submissive
Ms Olivia: For example, instead of saying, I like corporal punishment, I really enjoy flogging spanking over the knee but I’m not into caning, cat of nine tails or any form of whipping. You don’t lead with that amount of detail. You’ll say something like, I’m new to BDSM and kink. I definitely know I like it. I’m submissive. I’m curious about bondage, but I know that I like spanking. And so far I’ve tried over the knee spanking and some mild flogging, but I’d like to learn more. That’s all you say.
Ms Delia: Yup, that’s perfect. Instead of going into, these are the implements I’ve tried, these are the things I want. These are the things I don’t want.
Ms Olivia: We know it’s hard because people have had this fantasy for years and years and years and it’s lived and grown as this solo fantasy in the submissives head and then finally you’re in a place where you can begin to talk about these things.
I think it’s like a starving person going to a buffet for the first time and kind of gorging themselves, you know?
Yes, you want a Dominant Woman but don’t do this
Ms Delia: Oh yeah, completely. The other thing that I was thinking of was in profiles when they’re written up. I think it’s a good idea to stay away from, I’m just looking for a Dominant Woman.
I think that yes is what you are looking for as a submissive ultimately. But in your profile, say that you are new and you’re looking to find a good group of people; you’re looking to find someone to talk to. That can help you out a lot more than being so final in what you write down.
Ms Olivia: What a great point! Kinky people will make introductions. It’s like matchmaking. It’s like any other group. Hey, I have someone that I just met that I think you might be interested in. You never know where the recommendation is going to come from.
Ms Delia: Right. That’s a great point. I think so too. I haven’t really been active in online fetish communities or anything for about a year. I took a little bit of a step back when I started doing my marathon training. And after that I might kind of get back to it, but it’s just been, I don’t know, sometimes life gets in the way, so it’s been too much.
One Femdom experience from FetLife
Ms Olivia: I signed up for FetLife as a female Dominant. I did this profile and everything. I would wake up to all these messages in my inbox. It was so overwhelming. And remember, these are not business emails.
You both do Distance Domination. We’re great about responding to emails, responding to requests, et cetera, for our time. But we end up getting paid for our time.
On a free site, if I wake up to 10 emails per day and start answering those emails for free it’s a lot of time. Say at only six minutes per answer that is a full hour to an hour and a half that you are spending unpaid just chatting with people. It’s not realistic. And so I actually bounced off of FetLife and now connect with people in different ways
Ms Delia: You bring up a great point. Get on FetLife with a general profile. I’m looking to connect with like minded people in my area and leave it at that. Don’t even say if you’re submissive or Dominant, just leave it at that.
If you have a profile you can get into the boards and look around. There are a lot of people there.
Amateur versus ProDomme in the fetish world
Ms Olivia: There are ProDommes on FetLife. Some are great but beware there are skeezy people. There are men pretending to be women. Until you know the lay of the land FetLife can be … interesting.
Ms Delia: Oh yes. You know what, just bringing up what you brought up, men pretending to be women. If you get onto say FetLife or alt.com or some other kind of online, kinky, fetishy kind of forum and a woman gets in touch with you and wants you to be her submissive, you might think that is your dream come true.
Right? But then she tells you if I’m going to play with you, I’m going to need you to buy my package of stuff. The toys that I like. So you’re going to have to buy those. That’s a scam.
It must be something new that’s going on. Two or three people have actually talked to me about that and I don’t think it’s women at all. It might be guys or bots or something like that.
Ms Olivia: I’ve also heard that the supposed that woman responds to someone and they get very, very close and you know, there’s cybersexting and she starts saying things like, well, you need to send me money. You need to put it in a PayPal account or Venmo or send me gift cards.
Here’s, here’s the thing, and I’m just going to be blunt about this. If you are paying for sex, go to a professional, you pay for this sex or the experience or the BDSM time it cetera. But you can have an honest conversation about what you get for your money, right?
You should be very cautious about someone who says, “Oh, I just don’t want to meet you because I’m unable to pay my rent this month and I’m distracted.” You are still paying for what you want but you don’t know what you’re actually getting.
Ms Delia: Exactly.
Ms Olivia: So we could talk a ton about this and you know what? We’re actually going to do a couple more podcasts about this because we have just barely begun to scratch the surface.
For now, Delia, thank you so much for your advice and your insight.
Ms Delia: You’re welcome.
Ms Olivia: Thank you to all of you for joining us. The audio and transcript are on The Weekly Hot Spot.
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